The human unconscious is, without doubt, the most complex, powerful, brilliant thing in the universe. Along with physical needs for existing in life, we all have intense emotional needs, hardwired into our brains, and these drives go right back to our time roaming the Savanna. Human beings have evolved to be profoundly social creatures, most of us don't survive very well, left on our own.
Attempting to explore this phenomenon, back in the 1970s, American psychologist Harry Harlow did some extremely controversial experiments using rhesus macaque monkeys. Harlow wanted to study the effects of total and partial isolation to our ape cousins by placing them in, what he termed, a 'pit of despair'.
The results were as horrific as the experiments themselves, with monkeys growing up with no social skills and completely unable to function in groups. Those monkeys that went on to have offspring, were devoid of any parenting skills and grotesquely abused their babies. Some of his macaques didn't survive long enough to mature, they starved themselves to death in the isolation chamber and unsurprisingly, the studies attracted condemnation from across the field of psychology.
We probably didn't need Harlow's sadistic experiments, to know that connecting to others is intrinsic to psychological health in primates, but worryingly, the University of Wisconsin was reported to have resumed Harlow's experiments in February of this year. But I digress...
Back to our arguing couple, who are maybe starting to come to terms with the reality that their love is dying, and becoming aware - consciously or unconsciously - that they may be facing imminent separation from a person who once made them feel happy and safe. What are these fights really about?
Arguments do provide an opportunity (in a negative way) to experience some of the things we once got from love and sex when we were happy in our relationship. A row involves engagement, you can't have much of a shouting match on your own, it requires the other person to give you something back, something to excite your senses, albeit in a negative, often defensive way. You say something you know is going to get under my skin and provoke a response, then I'm going to come back with an attack of my own, and just as with sex, it tends to start subtly, with a little niggling comment... let's test the water... are you up for this today? It could almost be described as a form of foreplay; some days that criticism will get shrugged off, and pass with no reaction at all, other days it's like the brightest spark hitting your blue touchpaper and within minutes you're screaming at one another in an exchange which is probably more choreographed than either of you would ever realise.A row with a partner we still deeply love (as much as we might be trying to deny it) has so many of the features we normally associate with sex too; it's heated, it takes on a life of its own and becomes uncontrollable for both of us, you're going to force your way into my personal space, then I'm going to come right back at you with a little advance of my own. Sometimes it even becomes physical, you push me a bit, then I shove you away, in really passionate arguments bodily fluids can even get exchanged as we spray our angry word and spit all over the other person's face. And just as with incredibly passionate sex, there usually is some sort of explosive finishing point; maybe someone bursts into tears, maybe someone storms out slamming the door, but it signals a climax of sorts and everything tends to calm down again for a while.
Soooooo... What does all this mean for our warring couple, or for any of us really? Well, the next time you find yourself spoiling for a row with your nearest and dearest, maybe you should spare the crockery Auntie Gill bought as a wedding present, and just put some Iggy Pop on, and go to bed instead! And when you get up, pick up the phone and go and get some relationship counselling, you might save yourself a whole lot of heartache! :-)xx
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