The 7 Stages of Grief and Loss explained

Many of us will have heard of a theory that states there are 7 stages of loss and grief (some psychologists say 5).  The belief is that we go through 7 different phases of dealing with any loss in our lives, and this theory relates to all kind of loss, from the relatively mundane, such as losing our car keys, to the enormous losses we all have to face in life, such as the breakdown of important relationships and the death of cherished loved ones.

Although these stages go generally in order, we may find ourselves hopping back to previous stages, and if people get stuck on a particular level, this is when there can be a sense of hopelessness, this is often the point at which someone will consider counselling to help move them on.

There is undoubtedly a lot of loss around, for a lot of people at the moment, and I thought I would  try to explain these stages of loss, and what is happening at each level, using a number of examples:

• losing your house keys
• losing a job
• end of a relationship
• death of a loved one

The 7 Stages

1)   Shock

You're simply stunned by the event of losing something or someone.  Inability to even comprehend what has happened, senses in temporary shutdown. "God!!"  "Shit!!"

2)   Denial

Inability to accept what's happened.  "Everything's fine!  "This can't be happening!"

• Keys - They're here somewhere, pocket, bag, kitchen table!
• Job - They can't sack me, they've made a mistake, someone will come in and take us over!
• Relationship - She hasn't actually left me, she'll be back!
• Death - Talking to the loved one, as if they were still there.  What should I do Joe?

3)   Anger

Lashing out, losing emotional and physical control, looking for someone or something to blame for the loss.

• Keys - Who moved my keys! This always happens when you make me late!
• Job - It's the managers' fault for losing contracts!  I blame immigrants! I hated that job!
• Relationship - She never loved me!  She only wanted me until someone better came along!
• Death - The hospital's to blame! He should have given up smoking!

4)   Bargaining

Making internal deals with yourself or someone else, or with God.  If the situation changes, the outcome will change.  Pledging to make sacrifices for a better outcome.  Revisiting the physical place of loss in the hope of a different outcome.

• Keys  - I had them in the kitchen, they must be there!  OK, I'll pick up your mother, now where's my keys!
• Job - I'll take a pay cut.  I'll work longer hours.  Don't sack me, sack them!
• Relationship - I'll change!  Marry me!  Let's have a baby!
• Death - I'll give up work to look after you! I'll donate all my savings to the hospice - please don't be dead!  Visiting clairvoyants to try and keep the loved one in your life.

5)   Guilt

Taking on all the blame for the loss.

• Keys - I should have put them on the hook.  I should have got a spare set cut.
• Job - It's because I had time off for my bad back.  It's because I'm in my 50s.
• Relationship - I took her for granted.  I mess up every relationship I have.
• Death - I was driving too fast.  I should have made him go for those check ups.

6)   Depression

Overwhelming sadness, physical and emotional withdrawal from life and family and friends, loss of hope, despair.

• Keys - I can't be bothered to look anymore.
• Job - I'm never going to find another job.  I'm on the scrap heap now.
• Relationship - No-one else will ever want me.  She was the only one for me.
• Death - What's the point in going on without him?  I want to be with him.

7)   Acceptance

Coming to terms with what's happened.  Acknowledging the impact of the loss while recognising life has to move on.  Appreciating how valued the object, situation or person was and ultimately a sense of hope that there will be happy times again in the future.

• Keys - I guess I'd better get another set cut after work then.
• Job - Let's organise a leaving party, and stay in touch after the redundancies.
• Relationship - We had some good times, but it just wasn't meant to be. Joining dating sites.
• Death - Recalling happy memories, looking at old photos and feeling thankful to have had the loved one.  Decorating rooms in the house, such as their bedroom.  Organising a permanent monument in memory of their life - park benches, shrubs, setting up a charity in their name.

Of course, some losses are much easier to come to terms with than others, but the belief is, that we will still go through each of these stages as we process the emotions associated with the loss.  So in some cases we'll go through all 7 stages in one hour or one day, in more devastating circumstances, it will take months or even years to feel like life is moving on.

As a general guide, psychologists and counsellors would expect it to take about 2 years to come to terms with the death of a loved one.  When the first set of anniversaries come around, their birthday, wedding anniversary, anniversary of their death, we can find ourselves back at the anger stage for a while.  By the second anniversary, the sense of loss will usually have lessened considerably and be replaced with some level of hope.  When people are still deep in mourning, 2 years on from the death, some benefit might be gained from getting help with coping with the sense of grief.