What would you do differently?

Someone sent me one of those email questionnaires recently, you know the sort of thing:  What's your favourite pudding, What book would you rescue in a fire etc...  it was all very interesting, and then I came to a question that just stopped me in my tracks really; it said "If you knew the world was definitely ending on the last day of 2012 what would you do differently?" 

Now at first, rather flippantly, I thought well nothing, obviously!  If there were things I desperately wanted to do and experience, I'd be doing that now, wouldn't I! Silly question!! But I left the answer blank, and it really got me thinking...

Would I really just carry on as I am, if I knew I had only 175 days left to live would I spend those days doing my job as manager of a mental health support centre? Would I spend my evenings persuading.. no hassling my son to get his history assignment done risking an argument about the futility of homework?  Would I continue to tread on eggshells around people I have to interact with, who actually piss me off quite a lot?  Would I be very level headed and see an opportunity!? - I mean think of the thousands of people who would suddenly be looking for a counsellor to help them come to terms with the idea their lives were certain to end in less than 6 months time? Do I have the right people in my own life to help me come to terms with the prospect of The End? 

I've always looked after my body and mind, but would I suddenly think fuck it! and become sexually promiscuous and take all the drugs I currently spend my days warning clients about?  Would I race to get the novels I've written published in the hope that some advanced species of human a million years from now would discover and appreciate my talents?  Would I join an organisation to sit around intellectualising about The End?  Would I become more politically active?  Would I start risking my life for the things I believe in?  Am I fulfilled as a human being as I am, or are there gaping holes which I largely ignore and tell myself that bit will come when the time is right.  I guess if I only had 175 days left to live that time would be... right now, wouldn't it?

Thankfully the world isn't set to end on December 31st, 2012 but this question got me thinking really hard about the way most of us fritter away our days as if there is never going to be The End for us, as individuals.   The way our culture is going it looks as if people in their 40s like me will be working longer than ever, at the moment it's said the retirement age will settle at 67, 68, 69... but it might well be over 70 by the time it comes around, depending on the governments we elect along the way. Actually, tragically, many my age will die before they get to retire; in terms of the way we treat people who become vulnerable in our communities, we seem to be going backwards as a society. 

Will I be so busy day after day, month after month, year after year... working.. to get the bills paid.. to help my kids through university.. and then one day I wake up and I'm 75 and it hits me with all the brutal fear of an impending doomsday.... where did those days and months and years go?.. I wanted to discover beautiful corners of the world as yet untarnished by the ugly greed of capitalism ..  I wanted to make a difference politically and inspire others to do the same..  I wanted to be consumed with sexual passion and wake up every morning ecstatic with the very concept of living....... What happened to that woman?  At what point on my journey did she take a fork left and I never even noticed because I was so busy worrying about the gas bill or fretting that my hair was starting to go grey?...

How often do we hear "life isn't a dress rehearsal", with nothing remotely like evidence for some sort of existance beyond death we have to conclude and accept, this is probably all life is.. but there really is no limitation to what we make it, other than our own nonchalance...................